There
are three major stages in a person’s life that no one can prepare
you for: Birth, death and becoming a mother. When I had my first child,
it felt like the world stopped. No, that’s not right. It felt like
I’d stopped and the world just kept on going in blatant disregard
for the extremely awkward situation I found myself in. Breasts exploding,
stomach deflating, baby crying, husband leaving. Days spent indoors, apart
and separate from the functioning world; nights little more than two-hour
sleep intervals interspersed with feeding and diaper changes. On the off
chance that you do make it out, strangers randomly popping into your face,
peeking at your baby and telling you just how lucky you are. You’re
not sure you agree.
Your relationship
with the world is broken. It’s hard to relate. It’s hard for
your friends to relate to you. Your perception of yourself changes. You
are no longer who you once were. And you’re not quite sure how to
be.
The only
people in the entire world who understand you are other new mothers, mothers
going through the same thing at precisely the same time as you. But where
to find them? You find yourself looking forward to your Ob check-up, you
loiter in department store restrooms, settling into sofas the color of
milk, hoping that the door will open and a new stroller will awkwardly
struggle through.
When you
do finally find a group of new mothers whose babies and nipples are on
target with your own, they become your support group. It must be like
alcoholics, I think, because during those first six months, there is no
one who understands you better. And nine times out of ten these are women
you would never, never hang out with in your pre-baby years. But none
of it mattersænothing else matters, nothing except the baby and
this new world that you are navigating with an equal sense of fear and
wonder.
It is a magical
period, and as it is with most magical periods. It is finite. It usually
seems to happen at about six months, when the newness has worn off, when
the answers come easily and philosophies begin to reflect the individual
rather than the group. Breast is replaced by bottle. Attachment parenting
is replaced by nannies and mornings in the park become morning runs through
the park. Past lives creep in for attention and beckon you to return.
Husbands resume their role as friend and confidant; careers fight for
attention and the group disperses.
Life resumes.
But until then you’re just making it up as you go along.
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